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[20 May 2009|03:38pm] |
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I'm tired of feeling so fucking insignificant in my own life.
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| love. |
[23 Mar 2009|06:13pm] |
"I can finish school anywhere. I'll follow you where ever you need to go."
-The most reassuring thing I've ever heard when I'm freaking out about my (lack of) future plans.
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| I have rugburn on my knees. |
[22 Feb 2009|05:42pm] |
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mood |
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 amused |
] |
"Sexy girlfriend, on top of me.
That is how she, hurt her knee"
- Paul's song from 30 seconds ago.
*so, SO amused* ^_^
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[05 Feb 2009|01:01am] |
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mood |
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 uneasy |
] |
Everything is going way too well...
...so now I subconsciously start to destroy it.
I would rather just let myself be happy, for once.
How do I tell my subconscious what (not) to do? :/
It started on... Saturday.
It's such a fucking pattern that I can see the beginning steps.
How. fucking. pathetic.
I find it amazing that I stayed with a guy who treated me like shit constantly, was selfish as all fuck, who was a compulsive liar and an alcoholic and hit me... with no problem, and yet I find a great guy and can't even make it a couple of months. It's like I can never be happy unless I'm miserable (does that make sense?) I think it does. Like, how every emotion evens out, so if you're a certain amount of happy for too long, it just neutralizes. Well, with douchebag shitfuck (no, I will no longer mention his name, ever), I felt like shit 75% of the time, so that 25% seemed fucking glorious - my own personal high.
Have I mentioned how pathetic this is?
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[06 Dec 2008|11:45pm] |
Drunk.
Again, Sarah and Adam have gone to bed.
I miss raving now like I missed shows four years ago.
It's still in recent memory, and it seems almost plausible that if I go back, it'll be the same.
But it never is.
Just looking through the few pictures I have on this laptop.
I can't wait to get home and have a nostalgia party with myself.
Whether it turns out good or bad, happy or sad, I feel as though I need it.
God, I've grown up and changed.
5 years of life seems like forever.
I can't imagine what it'll be like looking back on my life at 40, 50.
I can barely recognize the me from the beginning of high school. Even five years ago!
I'm pretty satisfied and content with how everything's turned out thus far, I think.
Obviously I have low points, but all in all.. it's been pretty kick ass.
I've experienced quite a bit, and met a ton of people, and really developed the fundamentals of what will help me in life. Now to expand on those. To travel, to experience more. To live three peoples' lives in the span of a decade. Time to be free. Time to fly.
I'm scared, but I'm feeling pretty adventurous. Sometimes reluctant, but always pursuing.
Remembering the past (it doesn't even feel like mine anymore), but looking towards the future.
Positive entry for a change? Yes friggin' please.
:)
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[06 Dec 2008|12:35am] |
All day drunk = all night sick/depression/shakes. I forgot about the after effects of so much alcohol.
Starting to feel like ass.
Starting to think about a bunch of things that I would rather not think about.
Starting to wonder about certain decisions.
Sarah and Adam are asleep. I'm thinking I should just grab some water and do the same.
But I can't stop thinking. My mind is whirling.
So many words but none make sense typed out/written.
Jumbling, transforming.
Just message me back. Make me feel wanted.
Take that beer out of your hand for 30 fucking seconds.
Make your priorities what you say they are.
Most importantly, stop fucking lying.
Do you think I can't see through them?!
You lied when you told me you stopped lying to me.
Don't tell me I fail. I don't in the least.
You bring people down to make yourself feel better.
I don't care about your ex-girlfriend's telling you they love you, begging for you to take them back. I appreciate you telling me, I do, but why keep repeating it? Why send me pictures? More importantly, why do they ALL want you back, one at a time, month-by-month? What are you saying to them? What are you making up? I'm sorry I suspect something of you, I trust you wouldn't cheat, but I know how much you like to mess with peoples' minds.
How often do you mess with mine, and I don't catch on?
You don't give yourself enough credit.
Why are you so adamant about getting married?
I wish I didn't have to always second guess with you.
This is all such a game to you, but you say that it isn't.
I can't stop thinking about you, ever.
I often wonder if it was you, when you say it was them.
And I wonder if you're doing it to me, too.
This is unhealthy. You can't stop.
I'll never respect you as long as you continue to drink excessively and drive.
It doesn't matter if you say it, you're not in control.
I've been in the car with you, and I will never do it again.
You have such a way with words.
You're vulgar, lude and crude. For some reason, I like it (as long as you're not doing it to me.)
You're blunt.
You're much smarter than you let on.
I love you. I don't know why.
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| best convo of the day ftw. |
[24 Nov 2008|04:14pm] |
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mood |
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amused |
] |
have a bunny. says:
garlic bread burgers y/n
hotte >> says:
mmmmmmmm
hotte >> says:
always y to garlic
hotte >> says:
ALWAYS
have a bunny. says:
haha
have a bunny. says:
the tops of the burgers are covered
hotte >> says:
mmmmm
hotte >> says:
you're going to be stiiinkkkkkyyyyy
have a bunny. says:
you are
have a bunny. says:
burnt flesh etc
hotte >> says:
o_O
hotte >> says:
gross
have a bunny. says:
v.v
hotte >> says:
would you like some burnt cancer with your garlic burgers dan
have a bunny. says:
are you trying to ask me to do dirty things holly
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[12 Oct 2008|12:27pm] |
"I was pretending
Your secret kiss of confidence
Was my escape
The perfect game to play..."
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| A good post, for ONCE |
[09 Sep 2008|01:35am] |
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mood |
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 satisfied |
] |
Best compliment I've ever received:
"You pull of the punk look really well, Holly... and you don't even look like you're faking it!"
Best text of the day:
"Dan has a crush. Her name is holly. She has hair like the snow capped mountains after a polarbear attacked a penguin. She is my heart"
- Dan
Best phonecall of the day:
Aden calling me? FTW
Best part of the shift:
When Leila made me a VCard, because some girl offered Dan hers after she found out he had played at the Casbah last weekend. I almost peed myself laughing.
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| Entertaining conversation that sums up last night: |
[29 Aug 2008|01:45pm] |
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mood |
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amused |
] |
.hø££µ. says:
dear Kristen
.hø££µ. says:
did I pee on a church last night?
Kristen says:
hello
Kristen says:
yes
.hø££µ. says:
Sincerely, Holly
Kristen says:
yes you did
.hø££µ. says:
oh man
.hø££µ. says:
I'm going to hell
Kristen says:
quite possibly
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| Tonight: |
[23 Aug 2008|02:59am] |
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mood |
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 frustrated |
] |
You have GOT to be kidding me.
Sexual frustration like whoa.
WHOA.
>_<
Makeouts at Phil's all night? It was a damned good way to end vacation.
End of the night:
"Well, I like you"
"yeah, right"
"Why else would I be waiting around in the Phil's parking lot for 30+ mins?"
"waiting for your ride?"
"My ride is right there *points*"
(later)
"I'll see you in twenty days" (When I'm going to be in Toronto)
Oh god... This feeling... make it go away. I can't like him. Even if we've flirted for two+ years. Even if he's gorgeous. Even if... ugh. He was probably too drunk to remember, anyways. And he probably says that to everyone. And he's looking for something serious, which is the complete opposite of everything I know of him (should I believe him?). Why do I want him so badly? (and no, I don't think it's the fact that I can't have him, being that he's the only person I've been even moderately attracted to since Geoff and I broke up.) I need someone to smack some sense into me. NOW.
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| Wishful thinking? |
[01 Aug 2008|12:16pm] |
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August will be different....August will be different... August has to be different.
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[08 Jul 2008|12:29pm] |
THIS is why I don't go to doctors.
From the one appointment I had today, I had to book two more. Referring me to two OTHER doctors I don't know. THANKS.
And then I booked one for July 22nd for my family doctor about the whole thing with the stuff and the other things. That's right, after a year of saying that I don't care, I'm going. The funny thing is, it's Chris that convinced me. Something along the lines of, "If you say you don't care, and you know what you're going to do even if you do have it, what's the problem with going to find out so you can get your card un-redflagged and you can get your Palafer?" Touché, Chris, touché.
Anyways, I have an equation:
Holly + her hate for doctors and the rooms and the gloves and the lack of reassurance + four appointments with four different doctors in a month (FIVE, if you include the fact I'm getting my wisdom teeth out on the 23rd) = stress. Lots of it. -_-'
Speaking of my wisdom teeth removal, I'm scared shitless. I've never had anything wrong: no stitches, no broken bones, not even a bee sting. I know that wisdom teeth extraction isn't a big deal, and it's not a major surgery in the least, but it's my first. So I'm scared. :\. HOWEVER, when I went in for my consultation last week, I met my surgeon and instantly had a crush on him. He's Japanese, but has the sexiest voice I've ever heard. I'm glad I'm going to have him inside of me... er.. my mouth. :)
Geoff is coming over tonight, and I'm making him dinner and telling him if I can convince myself that it's for the best (I still haven't). I'm not looking forward to it at all.
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[04 Jul 2008|09:05pm] |
Alright, so, I need someone to answer this for me honestly, because I have no idea:
When did I become such a selfish, cynical, cold-hearted bitch?
I'm looking through old notes and stuff I've kept for the last 10 years, and I really can't figure it out.
When did everything seem so confusing? When did I start to not be able to recognize myself? When did I begin to think that it would be a good idea to start to push people further and further away from me?
When will it all end?
[edit: 9:32p] Looking at all this old stuff has made me realize that dating Chris and him CRUSHING me isn't what made me a horrible person. I always pushed people away. Andy, Marcus, Greg... Will I ever let myself be happy?
Alright, these rhetorical questions that sound like they're coming from the mouth of a teenager... that's enough.
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[03 Jul 2008|04:21pm] |
I saw a picture of Chris' new girlfriend.
And the first thing I thought?
"Why is that not me?"
UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Can I stop being so FUCKED UP now? Please? Can I just go through a single day without perpetually fucking up MYYYY relationship that's near doomed anyways?!?!??!?!??!?!!?!?!
-_-'
I've learned something in the last couple of days: the Internet is no good. All it brings is memories, and news of people I shouldn't care about anymore. However, it is good for watching Project Runway... I've missed doing that since I moved. All I do now is read Gregory Maguire books, and I only have one left.
The Internet is no good, and all good at once.
/logs off
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[18 Apr 2007|10:47pm] |
ohdear god
so drubk ayt fu k night
as celebration for being donr exams
andy kissex ,e?
wpow
;ole
holy fuckj
and stuff
and funk night was awespo,e
extcpt paula didn't come
the rnd.
holy not pressing the right buttons, batman.
;ole whosa aND STUFF
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| tonight after work I... |
[21 Mar 2007|12:14am] |
Had a beer with Kirsten.
She's amazing. I'm amazed at how much we have in common.
I've always kind of looked up to her. She's gorgeous, smart, innovative, and just... fantastic.
At work today she said she valued my advice
She said that I was part of her beautiful and smart group of friends (context sounds bad right here, but it was less elitist in the conversation).
I never really see myself as beautiful. I feel as though people feel obliged to say it to me (boyfriend, best friend, etc). I still have the mentality of the 14 year old "ugly" Holly in me, no matter how much I try to deny it.
I thanked her for the company, and she said she needed it. It's nice to feel needed.
And we had antijitos. Nothing wrong with that.
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| I want to regress. |
[18 Mar 2007|10:13pm] |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
] |
I want to be a six year old again.
When imagination was at it's peak, and the sky was the limit.
When I could play with toys all day, paint, or make crafts out of what other people would deem as "garbage".
When spaghetti was considered a gormet meal.
When my favourite doll Marcia was my best friend.
When I believed in magic, leprechauns, fairies and unicorns.
When I didn't have to worry about heartbreak, people dying, or the issues plaguing society today. My main concern was whether my Barbie's hair looked right.
When I collected bottle tops, buttons, cards, and pretty much anything that I found on the ground.
When everyday was a new experience.
When I went to my grandparents every weekend.
When I was read a bedtime story every night, and my mom told me she loved me.
When I wore the tacky clothes my mom chose for me (I still remember how much I loved those floral dresses)
When I went to MCDonalds every weekend for a birthday party, and didn't care about their impact on the world.
When there were not clicks, everyone was everyone's friend.
When I built forts out of cushions and blankets.
When my mom would clean my room.
I want to regress.
I want that kiss on my forehead before I go to bed.
I want to feel excitement for the next day.
I want to have time to smell the flowers, to look at everything, to play catch, to live.
I want to live again.
No obligations.
No working.
Just laughing, playing, eating koolaid popsicles, doing cartwheels on the grass, and not worrying about due dates, heart aches, work, weight, security, emotions, and the never-ending debate on whether I really think we'll be together "forever"
I'm done contemplating.
It's time to go back 13 years, and live life like a six year old again.
Take a deep breath in, let it out, and look forward to what life has to offer with optimism.
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| March = MONTH OF HELL |
[27 Feb 2007|11:34pm] |
I thought I could do it, but I can't.
I'm sinking... again. O_O
reading week should have prepared me.
I DID do work on it, though. More than a lot of people haev to say.
It's just, this week I'm working 6 shifts... and I have a mid-term and a presentation this week as well.
And this week is when I should be preparing for the hell that is March.
Seriously, folks.... I need to be stabbed in my eye or something.
But I think that would make matters worse.
Considering I've already been sick for about two weeks.
._O
BAH!
4 classes was supposed to be easy!
I vow never to work 36 hours in a week and take 4 classes again.
The end.
Upcoming month as is right now:
March 1: Presentation work 25% of my SP223 mark, Chris comes down
March 2: Span228 midterm, work 8-12
March 3: 8 months with that crazy boy that loves me for some unknown reason, work 9-1, fusion frenzy 2 marathon, some homework in there if possible (readings for next week)
March 4: work 10-6, the boy leaves *tear*
March 5: Hulla tickets go on sale *MUST REMEMBER THIS!!!!!*, work 5-CL
March 6: Work 4-11
March 7: Work 6-CL
March 9: Work 6-CL
March 11: My grandparent's 50th anniversary dinner (who can imagine being alive for that long, let alone married to someone for that long?!)
March 12: Fr297 essay due, Span251 composicion due, Span 251 EXTRA composition due because I fucked the last one up so badly =\
March 15: Span 223 essay due (30%)
March 16: Span251 translation (20%)
March 22: Span 223 "test control" (30%)
March 26: Span228 Essay due
March 27: RELAX UNTIL FINALS (Spril 10th and 18th)
so... yeah. Ew and stuff. That doesn't include all fo the class I have to go to, and all of the readings I need to keep caught up with.
Oi.
Oh, and two more things:
1) I'm jealous of people that cann actually EXPERIENCE university because they don't need to work 29372372473 hours. These are supposed to be the best years of my life, so I shouldn't have to smell like coffee and serve people for half of them.
2) Seriously people, if I explain my current dilemma to one more person, and they respond with, "What about OSAP? Bursaries? Etc?" I'm going to shank them. I am the loophole to every financial aid possible, so go fuck yourselves. K, thx, bye. :)
Oh, and also:
3) April should officially be named Spril. 1 syllable, silly name, perfect.
=======
I'm so out of touch with everyone. Tell me what's been going on with all of you crazy people lately! I need some entertainment and distraction =\
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